Uffff...it's all mixed up...!

It's un-nerving....
It's actually not so bad...
It's a phase....hopefully.....
The people around you....
The people in your heart...
Some close, some far....
Actually, everything is right....
No,no, everything is not right....
Or, is it that only "something" is wrong? and otherwise everything is right???


Yes, I smile, I laugh too....
Oh yes, I enjoy dinner with friends....family...
Hmmm, I talk a lot....express too much....
Of course, work is going great....
Right, I am actually busy....sometimes...
Yes, I get time for myself too...
and, I try to read...
I enjoy my favourite tv show...that little girl is an angel...


Sometimes, I am alone.....I am okay....
Other times, I am not alone....I am not okay...
Ummm, why the tickle in my stomach...why today...


I have no routine...
My days are perfect...without a schedule...
I do what I want to...
I don't do what I don't want to do...


I ll be having coffee with a friend now...in some time...
I have a show late in the evening...
I have had a peaceful day...till now...
Everything seems fine...it is...


Orr, is it not?
Well, I think it's not right...
No, No, of course, everything is right....


Yesss, Everything is right...but...
but something is....WRONG...!


I know, something is wrong!

Pure joy.....!

In the crowd, I have felt alone. But I have felt blissfully alone, not lonely!

Recently, it has happened, I think, twice…..

I was sitting at the backstage. The show was on in the front stage…at the Prithvi Theatre.

The audience was overwhelmingly responsive. The show was progressing wonderfully.

I was sitting at the backstage waiting for my turn to operate the shadow puppets which is one of my responsibilities besides my role in the play of the  mother.

I was very attentive to the cue line I was waiting for….with a peaceful mind….no wandering thoughts, no restlessness, no boredom….just pure heartfelt attention. I was enjoying the music that was being played for the ongoing scene.

Though there was a partition between me and the front stage and the audience, I was still a part of that big crowd. 

I was sitting there with full concentration on the scene, and the music in my heart.

I was calm, peaceful, content, happy, emotional…..all at the same time and I was alone.

Those moments I can never forget, for, today I understand them as pure joy.

Unknowingly, I was wishing for more such moments in life….yes, now I recognize those moments of my life as pure joy.

It’s rare, but it’s there…indeed!

I was again at the back stage, this time of a huge makeshift stage at the Gateway of India.

A grand show was about to start. I was fully ready for my part and I sat there in the back stage while the others took on to stage as the show began.

Almost 350 people were buzzing around me, running for their entries on stage. There were songs, dances, screen, anchoring et all…..so much was happening around me. I was sitting there, silently observing the scene, smiling back at people who smiled, wishing some back when they wished me good luck….I was calm, peaceful without any worry or fear or nervousness.. I was alone.

I felt blissfully alone, not lonely.

I was happy.

Another moment of pure joy….yes…indeed!