"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding!" Kahlil Gibran.

Monday, July 30, 2012

A few stray thoughts....remembering Busybee!


"A few stray thoughts".....this title comes straight from the columns written by the famous columnist late Mr. Behram Contractor,who wrote under the pen name Busybee in the evening news MID DAY and later in the Afternoon dispatch and courier, many years ago. 
I remember that on Saturdays, his column titled "Round and about" always began with the line..."and for a Saturday, a few stray thoughts and a few general observations, and a few points of view, all my own work...!" The Saturday column used to have his many opinions on different topics and experiences of his own expressed in just a line or two and they essentially started with the word "like". Busybee wrote for 36 years and his excellence in writing and journalism is well known to the world, but what made it appealing to me was the fact that his column was so simply written. For a Marathi medium school girl like me, it would be an achievement then to have read an  article in English and to have understood the whole of it...including the humour in it. Simplicity requires great intelligence.

Yesterday morning, I woke up and habitually peeped out of my window. I saw the society sweeper cleaning the compound. His broom was brushing away fallen leaves, dust etc making the ground cleaner and cleaner with every sweep. I kept watching. An ordinary menial job, so to say, was being performed by the cleaner....every day without fail. The building compound looked spic and span for at least some time of the day till another set of leaves started falling from the trees, and the other trash started accumulating. 
Can I appoint someone to clean my mind everyday....without fail? The clutter would be cleaned regularly to give me a spic and span, and fresh mind at least for some part of the day! Well, surely, I can be that sweeper myself, at the service of my own mind. Can we then call sweeping a menial job?

I sat in the window in the afternoon expecting rains to fall. The sky had choked since morning faking imminent downpour. It has become a regular feature this monsoon. But finally, it rained, though little but it rained yesterday afternoon. I sat in the window with a book in hand and calmly taking in the cool breeze. It felt heavenly.

These days, whenever I sit late night watching some film on HBO or Sony Pix, my father peeps into the room and inquires if it's an Audrey Hepburn film. Yesterday, I thought of giving my father a trip down his memory lane by showing him the " Roman Holiday" starring the beautiful Audrey Hepburn and the gregarious Gregory Peck. The innocence of the whole film was so touching. The old world charm of the film made my old father really happy, and my purpose was served. That I love the film to the hilt is another story....some other time about the innocent and vulnerable Princess....Audrey.

My lemongrass plant has given up. I watered it too much I guess. Now, I am left with just the moneyplant which has grown so well. I remember having picked up a tiny branch of it when it almost came under my feet. I planted it at home. The tiny branch has now flourished into a freshly green, leafy creeper. Moneyplants need minimum attention and care, they say. ...and the Lemongrass - less water and more sunlight - my sister admonished me. Oh, all I wanted was the happily settled Lemongrass at my window. Looks like too much care spoilt it.

and the final point of view, that I am no Busybee and that today is not a Saturday but the fact that I still remember his Saturday Column beginning and that I get inspired to write in somewhat his style only shows how great works make an impact for years.





Friday, July 6, 2012

I am walking...


My journey has begun...
I am walking.
I am keeping my cool.
I am full of positive thoughts...at least trying hard at it.
I fear any absurd doubt coming to my mind.
I am walking.

I am dreaming of the beauty on the other side.
I actually can't wait to see it.
I am excited.
I am nervous.
I feel lonely.
I feel relieved.
I feel good.
I feel doubtful.
I feel just great.
I smile to myself.
Oh, would it be true?
Of course...
Or...may be not?
NO NO NO.
Come on...
Don't be ridiculous.
I am walking.

Wow, it's a beautiful journey.
I feel light.
Green trees,
Lovely flowers,
Thunder showers..
The beauty of rain.
Would it be lovelier on the other side?
I just can't wait to see it.
Uff, I give up?
NO NO NO
Come on...
I am walking...

It's near.
Its almost there, I guess.
I am walking.

and this damn thing, it's just not moving.
I am not even trying to budge it.
I know it's no use.
It won't move.


I am mad at it.
Arre yaar, its not moving...
I want to see the other side.

Come on yaar...
I have been walking.
I have waited so long.
I am so positive.
What's wrong?

It's there.
It was always there.
and it's not moving.
I can see it.

I am walking...
I will walk through it..
but I will pass that damn thing..

I must reach the other side.
It must be so wonderful there.
I will reach.
Soon....or sooner..

I am still walking!

Sunday, June 3, 2012

The green plant…..



The lemongrass, the tomato and the moneyplant….that is all I have in my window.
The fresh green colour and the merry movement of the leaves in the mild wind is a pleasant sight.
It can lift a low mood into the normal. It can give you some fresh green hope.

It happened today.

I was sitting by the window in the morning….there was this lingering low mood of the day before….
I had slept reading Eckhart Tolle’s “Stillness Speaks”, the earlier night.

It said, “Look at a tree, a flower, a plant. How still they are, how deeply rooted in being. Allow nature to teach you stillness. When you look at a tree and perceive its stillness, you become still yourself. You connect with it at a very deep level. Feeling the oneness of yourself with all things is true love.”

The early morning’s cool breeze set the positive mood of the day.
I sat in the window looking at my lovely plants. They were silent. Deeply rooted in the earth. Very silent.
How can we determine their mood? Or, do they have any mood at all?

They are there. They exist. They don’t make noise. They are still. They are there.

My lovely greens…..my green hope!
….and I have that hope everyday at my window…..!
It’s there. Always there.
As long I nourish and water my plants, it will grow and look healthily green.
I will see it every morning and I will feel it every morning.
I have it right there…..!

….and I am happy!



Friday, April 27, 2012

On the eve of.....part II......

and it so happened...

Precisely on 1st October last year, I found myself at the Prithvi Theatre to meet Mr. Manav Kaul of Aranya Theatres with a reference from my dearest friend Geetanjali. I was not sure at all if I wanted to do an experimental play and that too in Hindi...but I thought of giving it a shot. Stepping into a new territory, leaving your ages old comfort zone can make you unsettled.
When I was watching the rehearsal of Mumtazbhai Patangwale at the Prithvi House, I felt as if I have been here before. That atmosphere seemed familiar, it took me years back to my Ruparel College Gymkhana Hall where we rehearsed with Chetan Datar.
The energy and positivity of this group felt like a breath of fresh air.
and there I was...an active member of Aranya group and a part of the cast of LAAL PENCIL, the newest production of Aranya written and directed by Manav Kaul.

The first show of Laal Pencil at the Prithvi Theatre was magical.

I had jumped into the unknown and a treasure of pure joy was revealed to me. I am so happy that Geetanjali introduced me to Aranya.

While I was struggling to improve my hindi pronunciation by trying to get rid of the marathi accent, I was thrilled to get an offer for a commercial marathi play "Never Mind" written by Dr. Vivek Bele and to be directed by the young and enthusiastic Nipun Dharmadhikari....I could not have asked for more.

"Never Mind" opened just after "Laal Pencil" in December 2011.
40 shows old Never Mind is well received by the audience but it takes lot of efforts to attract the young crowd to the theatre. The Facebook has helped in reaching more youngsters....but the attendance is not satisfactory.

In March 2012, I also became a part of a grand show called " Mi Yashwant" which was based on the life of first Chief Minister of Maharashtra Late Shri. Yashwantrao Chavan. I played his wife Venutai, first time in my career I portrayed a real life person. The show was grand and it was performed in the presence of the President of India and other political leaders of Maharashtra.

This April, just a couple of weeks before my birthday, I became a team member of REACT, UK, a company which trains theatre actors to use their skills in the corporate world.  A concept which has been practiced in the US and UK since 80's but is at a very nascent stage in India. Being an MBA myself, I was happy to combine my acting skill with the management background. There may be more projects coming up with REACT.


Today, my friend Kadambari took me out for a film...and then we both had lunch...
My very old friend from my Management college, Suresh, called me from Nairobi to wish me. He knew my landline no. by heart....(we did not have mobiles then and so we used to know telephone no.s by heart...gone are the days though...) A call from Suresh was unbelievable. I can't imagine how he remembered my landline no and my birthday..... I am touched.

I have spoken to all my close friends in the US....and Sanjali just called...last call of the day...with her voice in my mind, I guess I should sleep well.....

Friends who want to be with you on your happy day and a family that always cushions you .. that is all one needs .....to be content!


With red and brown streaks in my hair (my birthday gift to myself..and please don't be scared..they aren't too prominent :) ) I am entering the new age....the new year...
I wish the red colour stays...on my hair and in my life as well... (whatever that means.... )

I hope I have grown up by a year and "grown out" of sulking because my family took me to dinner to a place that was not my choice.... :)

I wish myself a delightful year ahead with a bunch of new people that have been added to my life this year....(all the old ones remaining constant, of course)!







Thursday, April 26, 2012

On the eve of.....part I

On the eve of my birthday....I am looking back on the entire year since my last birthday....wow...It's been a wonderful year actually..

It so happened.....

I was sulking on my last year's birthday evening because my family chose a venue for dinner other than that of my choice. Ufff, why call it a birthday dinner if it's not at the place where the birthday girl wants to go?

I finished my work before 10th May last year because I was to leave for my USA tour on the 12th. I still feel the excitement of the entire process of making this tour come true...the visa(thank you Ravi..it would not have been so easy without you...and I mean it.), the ticket booking, the planning of the itinerary.....
A month and half long tour to the other world, millions of miles away from home...travelling all alone...it was an experience of my life...! Liberating... exhilarating...!

I spent some beautifully memorable days with my younger cousin in the picturesque Colorado Springs.
It was heartwarming to see my little cousin turned into the lady of the house, settled in the far off country, now with much ease and comfort.

and then the real fun began.....
Can you imagine my joy when my close college friends came to pick me up at the Florida airport?...I am reliving that moment now... it's impossible to explain the delight of heading straightaway from the airport to The Magic Kingdom at the Disneyland with them.....the magic of the trip really began there...

"The Princess's castle"...it was so beautiful...really magical....I felt like a princess myself along with thousands of little princesses watching it with awestruck, dreamy eyes...
and those thrilling rides made me shake myself up...giving in to the fear and overcoming it with absolute confidence...I yelled, I laughed, I was full of vigor!

"The Monarch of the Sea" was no Titanic but it surely gave the three of us, me, Sampada and Vrushali, a time of our life...those wonderful 3 days on the cruise to Bahamas and the Coco Cay Island were fulll of fun and frolick!
Hardly ever did we imagine in our college days that many many years later, we would be on a 3 days cruise to Bahamas...all girls...enjoying ourselves...realising that we have come a long way in life.
With the unique circumstances of our respective lives, the added responsibilities, the reality of the routine....we still managed to be the young girls that we were once....yayyyayy, we were just the same....leaving everything behind and just being ourselves...we rocked and how!

I could not believe myself...was I actually at NASA? Was it the same building I saw in the hindi film? Didn't I want to marry Mohan Bhargav of Swades? No, I did not look for that perfect man of my dream called Mohan Bhargav there. I only looked at the giant spaceships and had lot of fun...

and how about some blackberry picking? woohooo.....I guess I picked some of the best....or was it Sahana? my friend Vrushali's little one!

and how about a sunset at 8.30pm? We witnessed it at the enormous Siesta beach in Florida having the softest white sand.

A few days with Sampada in Chicago gave me a chance to be an active participant of her daily routine. I left early with her to her office. We travelled by her car first, then the bus and then the train.....
I roamed around the Chicago downtown whole day to meet her again at the "Au bon pain" cafe near her office building....then the return journey to Naperville by 6pm and still the sun shone brightly...it was almost like a beginning of another day on the same day...now at Naperville...at her beautiful house...playing with Ariana, shopping at the Home Goods....the day never ended...or at least till 9pm....and still we ended up getting less time for many things....huh...

My last stop was New Jersey!
Resembling Mumbai in many ways, New York and New Jersey did not excite me much.
My younger cousin brother and his young bubbly wife made it memorable for me. The Times Square in the night is something worth experiencing...the glitter, the crowd, the lights, the billboards...just so full of life....

On my return flight, no wonder I was feeling apprehensive. Was there anything to look forward to workwise? The answer was a big no then.
With a backpack of an enriching trip, a big bundle of unforgettable moments....the re-bonding with my close friends....the love n care of my cousins...the joy of freedom.....now, what do I expect to do back home? I felt jittery.
Where do I start?

I returned to India and I started by bidding goodbye to the work that I was doing for almost a year before I left for the US. I thought there was no value addition happening and I needed to quit. How else would I get something better?

A month went by just like that....living on the memoirs of my trip....would something worthwhile come my way? I have the patience to wait, alright, but will there be something to look forward to?

I did not know then what was coming my way.....
.......ummmm....well.......
.... let me take a break for a while....only to continue later....in my next post....just in time before my birthday gets over.....what say? :)









Monday, March 26, 2012

Uffff...it's all mixed up...!



It's un-nerving....
It's actually not so bad...
It's a phase....hopefully.....
The people around you....
The people in your heart...
Some close, some far....
Actually, everything is right....
No,no, everything is not right....
Or, is it that only "something" is wrong? and otherwise everything is right???


Yes, I smile, I laugh too....
Oh yes, I enjoy dinner with friends....family...
Hmmm, I talk a lot....express too much....
Of course, work is going great....
Right, I am actually busy....sometimes...
Yes, I get time for myself too...
and, I try to read...
I enjoy my favourite tv show...that little girl is an angel...


Sometimes, I am alone.....I am okay....
Other times, I am not alone....I am not okay...
Ummm, why the tickle in my stomach...why today...


I have no routine...
My days are perfect...without a schedule...
I do what I want to...
I don't do what I don't want to do...


I ll be having coffee with a friend now...in some time...
I have a show late in the evening...
I have had a peaceful day...till now...
Everything seems fine...it is...


Orr, is it not?
Well, I think it's not right...
No, No, of course, everything is right....


Yesss, Everything is right...but...
but something is....WRONG...!


I know, something is wrong!





























Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Pure joy.....!


In the crowd, I have felt alone. But I have felt blissfully alone, not lonely!
Recently, it has happened, I think, twice…..
I was sitting at the backstage. The show was on in the front stage…at the Prithvi Theatre.
The audience was overwhelmingly responsive. The show was progressing wonderfully.
I was sitting at the backstage waiting for my turn to operate the shadow puppets which is one of my responsibilities besides my role in the play of the  mother.
I was very attentive to the cue line I was waiting for….with a peaceful mind….no wandering thoughts, no restlessness, no boredom….just pure heartfelt attention. I was enjoying the music that was being played for the ongoing scene.
Though there was a partition between me and the front stage and the audience, I was still a part of that big crowd. 
I was sitting there with full concentration on the scene, and the music in my heart.
I was calm, peaceful, content, happy, emotional…..all at the same time and I was alone.
Those moments I can never forget, for, today I understand them as pure joy.
Unknowingly, I was wishing for more such moments in life….yes, now I recognize those moments of my life as pure joy.
It’s rare, but it’s there…indeed!
I was again at the back stage, this time of a huge makeshift stage at the Gateway of India.
A grand show was about to start. I was fully ready for my part and I sat there in the back stage while the others took on to stage as the show began.
Almost 350 people were buzzing around me, running for their entries on stage. There were songs, dances, screen, anchoring et all…..so much was happening around me. I was sitting there, silently observing the scene, smiling back at people who smiled, wishing some back when they wished me good luck….I was calm, peaceful without any worry or fear or nervousness.. I was alone.
I felt blissfully alone, not lonely.
I was happy.
Another moment of pure joy….yes…indeed!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Manipulation.....!

Come on girls...we are old enough now..I would rather say "too old" for this sort of a girly behaviour.....Let's grow out of the manipulative practices within friendships..!

I have always been an artless communicator. Very honest with what I felt but never the one to put it in the best possible way to please the other person. Straight-forward people are often called "rude", "ruthless" or "brash" in their manner....so I was!
When I was in college, I remember having confronted with friends about some misunderstandings because I felt terribly restless about it. but I expressed myself so artlessly that I ended up being "she is like that only, you know" type.
I remember having felt lonely many times then and wondering what did I say that was wrong.

There were friends who always behaved their best, some were tagged as totally avoidable, some entertaining therefore wanted in the group, some intelligent therefore in demand, some completely uninteresting....and so on. These are the years of life when we feel the need to be accepted by our group of friends. Some managed to manipulate, to be sweet to all and became very popular. Some, like me, never knew how to manipulate, how to talk to please others or at least not to be blunt to hurt others....but then what could we do about it? This art can not be learnt, I guess...

Honesty and frankness are probably not the best tools to be used to communicate.

so, I somehow always failed in group dynamics. I would say the right thing at a perfectly wrong time. but still I got friends who understood the person in me and accepted me as I was.

Once I became a professional, it did not seem as necessary to behave in a particular way so as to get acceptance in a group. I could easily stay away from those I did not approve of. It was possible to mingle with only those who I shared good rapport with. Project after project, groups changed and I kept floating from one group to another without much difficulty. I closely bonded with a few and also learnt to ignore those who did not fit my idea of friends.

All these years, I believed that the friendships that are formed in college or school days are the only relationships that are truly deep and strong. Once you settle yourself in the professional network, the real heart to heart, deep bonding seldom takes place. It only becomes a professional relation, to an extent even superficial.

My college and school friends are still my closest friends. I have observed that over the years, with exposure to life and the world, we change. We become aware of realities of life which are far from the rosy days we dream of while in college and school. We become independent, we live life in our own way and in the circumstances we find ourselves in. We grow with experiences in life and I am sure it strengthens the bond even more among close friends. We understand each other better with times. We stand by each other when need be. We laugh and make merry......even today....

but hello girls, after so many years of knowing each other, hating each other and then again loving each other, let us not go back to the same 16 year old girly fights and complaints....give me a break my girls!
I love you.....and I really cherish our friendship whatever happens....all of  us do!

Just as we have matured over time or so I believe, let our friendships mature too!




Tuesday, February 14, 2012

....It's been soooo long...

I feel the need to re-invent myself....as an actor....!

It was really very long since I groomed myself under Dubeyji and Chetan Datar and that was way back in my early college days...
Though the training under Dubeyji and Chetan was enjoyable, I totally lacked the focus. Did I really want to take this up as a career? I was not sure then. It was fun being appreciated by dubeyji one day and being scolded the very next day. Little did I take it to heart!
It was so easy then to take up fights with Chetan.
Acting really seemed easy to me in those days. I just did something freely on stage and thought it was the best performance by me. Simple. No complications!

Times change, one grows older and suddenly everything seems so difficult....
I feel stuck, saturated.
I am not the same carefree girl at 16 anymore, there is no chetan datar around....Dubeyji neither....

I am looking for guidance all over again....really looking from the bottom of my heart...I feel directionless....lonely....incapable....
I profoundly miss them....dubeyji and chetan..
I really don't know who to look up to now.

Where do I go from here? I wonder.......